need coffee

in no mood to study.no coffee(excuses)

am still feeling the Raya vibe. i have a feeling tho this raya in cyber wont be filled with crashing ppl's houses and demanding food.what with everyone busy with exams n people scattered everywhere.

dreading the week after next.haih.

bumped into someone who reminded me of a situation where i never thought i'd be in and one which i didnt quite know how to handle. ive forgiven, but i cant seem to forget. cause i have good memory,maybe? my problem is that i remember too many unimportant details.i forget the important ones,like what the treatment for endometriosis is.or the ovarian tumors.

absence does make the heart grow fonder. everytime i bump into my friends from other postings, i get all excited. :)

missing my lil reja terribly. i loved waking up to him and spending those mornings alone with him playing 'where's reja??' till my knees hurt.

no matter what you say, i still believe that small things matter. the fact that one would take the time to do these small things - with full knowledge that it might go unnoticed,but does it anyway - is a huge thing to me. :)

i am going through caffeine-withdrawal syndrome.

L&D

my first day of this 2 week stint in the LND has been emotionally exhausting.

my first patient was sweet,yet revealed too much information to me.

i got to watch an epidural,and the anaes was very nice to explain what she was doin while doin it.the delivery was succesful Alhamdulillah, then the cord snapped during CCT! so they did a manual removal of placenta, where the doctor puts his hand all the way into the uterus to manually remove the placenta.it was surreal. Thank God the lady was on epidural.i think i did not blink or breathe throughout the procedure.but Alhamdulillah she seemed fine after that, happily looking at her healthy baby which i got to clean up with baby oil and dress him :) (sometimes i think i'd rather be a nurse cos they get to do all the fun stuff with the babies)

a lovely young couple lost their 31-weeks-old baby today. there were some fetal abnormalities, so even though the baby was >800g, she wasnt viable :( i watched the father staring helplessly at his child.crying into his hands.

cant help thinking bout those people who kill their babies without another thought when these people would do anything to keep theirs alive. its sad really.

my first look into the darker side of O&G. its much too dark. i am definitely cutting O&G from the list. i can handle the death of a neonate, i believe he/she will be happy in heaven,insyaAllah. but its a bit harder to handle the parents of a dead baby. Its times like these when its easier to console those who have faith in Him. because theres nothing you can say otherwise.

1:39 am

i have decided today that i will

- enjoy my student life because i have been told that i will have no life once housemanship starts.

- not let the small things ruin my day.

- not let someone else determine my mood or happiness level for the day.

- not let that annoying person annoy me so much.

- continue to be in awe and tear-up during deliveries and will not care that people think im too sensitive.

- smile at the 'ketat' nurse.

- try my best to always make my parents happy.esp mama.

- keep in better touch with people who matter more.

- not care so much about things not worth caring about. things that i proly cannot change anyway.

- be nicer to people. even when they irk me.

- pretend that everything is alright even when it isnt cos they usually turn out alright eventually. so no point dwelling over it.

- remember that no one is perfect. so i shouldnt expect too much from others.

- have more faith in God. InsyaAllah.

Spending my nights in the hospital makes me make lists like these in my head :)

I have a uterus, Alhamdulillah.

i still get an overwhelming feeling everytime i see the birth of a child.somewhere between ultimate joy and ultimate disbelief that every mother goes through this process.it is indeed a huge miracle.a scary one at that.i think everyone, regardless of wether you want to be a doctor or not, should witness this battle between life and death that women all over the world go through.when u watch the blood, tears and all that energy drained out of a women in labour, only then do you really appreciate our mothers.

i like observing the fathers in the labour rooms. u have the strong ones, the ones who encourage and support their wives through the looong difficult process.praying and zikir-ing to try and ease the pain.some of them 'push' more than the wives,its a wonder they dont defecate in their pants.comel.but these are the minority.the others stand there dumbfounded and blur.with no words of encouragement.scared perhaps?

and they call women the weaker sex :p

every mother is a hero. imagine having to carry around this little parasite in you for 9 months, with the nausea and vommiting. the sleepless nights.the UTIs.the diabetes and hypertension.with all the risks of antepartum hemorrage, the death that can occur so easily. not to mention, the extreme pain in childbirth. then after delivery some of them go thru the blues.and even more sleepless nights!

and yet, after all the screaming and unbearable pain, the incision and suturing at sensitive parts, as soon as the child is thrown onto the mother's chest(yes,they throw the baby), its as if none of that happened. one mother told me she was ready for her second child right after giving birth to the first one. :)

i guess u'll never know your full capacity to love someone until you have a child.

Giving birth and mothering a child is definitely not for the weak.i guess thats why God didnt provide men a uterus. ;)

Tanggal 31 bulan 8

people are not very easy to please.no matter how hard i try, there'll always be someone not quite happy with my decisions.

it should be that i need not explain these things to you.

God,should be the only one i strive to please from now on.
Help me God,for i am weak.

its not easy to be the bigger person.
its a good month for forgiving & forgetting though,so im trying that out.

Happy merdeka?
should be a good time to be thankful for our independence.thankful that our children can go to school without us having to worry that they might not make it home. thankful that we dont have to sleep at night to the sound of bombs. thankful that no one is going to kick us out from our rightful homes and burn it down.

instead of just waving flags,singing songs,and watching parades, lets use today to reflect on all the good we have, and pray that Palestine will have them too, insyaAllah.

23:48

I attended a workshop on mental health of traumatized children during my electives. It’s probably one of the most interesting workshops I’ve ever attended and probably the only one with a wide range of participants. They were mostly psychiatrists, or people working with mentally ill children..but there were quite a few students, retired teachers, peaditricians. basically we learnt a great way to help children who’ve gone through bad experiences such as the tsunami, a broken family, MVAs or natural disasters.

I really did learn a lot today. And I met a lot of very interestin people. Even met some slightly eccentric people. I had the good fortune of learning from a very experienced woman who worked with child victims of the tsunami. Her stories were incredible. How these children suddenly become orphans and how they have to deal with the sudden,violent loss of their loved ones.

Mostly, mental health has to do with a lot of talking things out. And having someone who can listen and encourage you is a huge step towards recovery. This new system has been implemented in Western countries and has been proven effective. I, however questioned wether this sytem could be as effective in Asian countries, namely Malaysia or Indonesia, where children are so used to not having a voice. Children here are not usually allowed an opinion on things. We are programmed to listen and follow orders. We do things because we are told to, but we are not explained why we have to. Most children do not have a voice of their own. So when crisis strikes, when expressing yourself and what you’re feeling is the best way to recovery, our children find it awkward.

That’s why here in Malaysia, they make use of the child’s creative side, thank God a child’s imagination cannot be taken away from him. So making them draw out their feelings actually does a whole world of good. They tell their stories through their drawings. We can interpret what they’re trying to tell us by their choice of colour, the way they draw and even the intensity of the strokes.

i have decided that i want to be in this line of work in the future, insyaAllah. :)
(im quite sure i dont want to be an O&G specialist.heh.)

080809

For those whom Islam has embraced, the greatest witness to God's unremitting, pursuing, sustaining, and guiding love is the Quran. Like a vast magnificent ocean, it lures you deeper and deeper into its dazzling waves until you are swept into it. But instead of drowning in a sea of darkness, you find yourself immersed in an ocean of divine light and mercy. As i read the Quran and performed the prayers, a door to my heart was unsealed and i was immersed in an overwhelming tenderness. Love became more permanent and real than the earth beneath my feet ; its power restored me and made it so that even i could feel love..i was happy enough to have found faith in a sensible religion - but i never expected to be touched by such intoxicating mercy.

- Jeffrey Lang.